Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

“That a greater fool than Jane Eyer had never breathed the breath of life: that a more fantastic idiot had never surfeited herself on sweet lies, and swallowed poison as if it were nectar.”

Martha Graham to Agnes DeMille:

“There is vitality, a life force, a quickening

that is translated through you into action,

and because there is only one of you in all

time, this expression is unique. If you block

it, it will never exist through any other

medium and be lost. The world will not

have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is; nor how

valuable it is; nor how it compares with

other expressions. It is your business to

keep it yours, clearly and directly, to keep

the channel open. You do not have to

believe in yourself or your work. You have

to keep open and aware directly to the

urges that motivate you. Keep the

channel open. No artist is pleased. There

is no satisfaction whatsoever at any time.

There is only a queer, divine

dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps

us marching and makes us more alive

than the others.”

However, the thing is…God is good. (1 John 1:5) Sinless. I’ve heard sin described as, “Missing the Mark”. If God is the mark, then there is no person here that can say they’ve reached it.

God just IS good. I’m a size 8 1/2 shoe on an ideal day. These are both things that won’t change just because we will them to.

Sin is pretty much where God is NOT. But, it’d be a load off my back if he’d just resign himself to living with my sin for all eternity. But, then again…He doesn’t have to…he’s kinda God, and I’m kinda not. Which is why with all my wonderfulness, with all the goodness that I do have, I can in no way earn my way into heaven. That’s good news, or rather, that leads to the good news that we hear so much about.

I don’t have to earn my way. I’m free to be a decent, sinful person trying to live up to standards I’ve placed on myself or that Oprah and Dr. Phil promote. I’m free to seek my own pathways to God and heaven.

On the other hand, I’m free to choose to accept the fact that not one of us can rid ourselves of sin and earn a place in heaven (even if it’s just the dusty corner of heaven behind the soup cans).

I mean, even Mother Theresa sinned, folks. (1 Samuel 1:2, Romans 3:12) You didn’t know? All of which would be a sad realization unless there is a God who is better than all of us put together and yet sees us individually and loves us unconditionally

Jesus was a man that existed, lived thirty-three years and the last three years of his life preached a word that pretty much shocked the mainstream way of thinking at the time…and now. His words are echoed, amended, adjusted, re-worded and repeated by our favorite gurus (pick up a Bible and compare). This man who claimed to be the son of God (Luke 22:70), said he was one with God (John 10:30) and even utilized God’s given name (John 8:58, Exodus 3:14). This man openly welcomed those that others condemned, forgiving sins and telling them to “go and sin no more” (John 8:11). Who talked about forgiving your enemies and even going out of your way for them (do what?!!) (Matthew 5:39-41).

This man vehemently weeped at the funeral of a friend he knew he’d be resurrecting (John 11:33-43). This man tossed tables in the synagogue in indignation (Mark 11:15-17).

This man seems crazy!

And, yet he healed, not killed. He ran from his pursuers, and yet spoke truth in the face of those who openly laughed at him and questioned his sanity (John 8:48-52). He did a lot of stuff that most of us would be way to self-conscious to do. He changed the world.

And, STILL, without raising a sword even in his own defense he allowed himself to be taken, tortured, murdered in a completely public and gruesomely humiliating form. That kinda disintigrates the excuse that he just doesn’t understand what we’re going through.

If I believed he was a man incapable of miracles and such then this is the end to his story…and to mine. I’m on on my own, then, it seems, with maybe a God above that watches me with sheer amusement as I blindly fumble around.

But, for me, it’s just the beginning.

If I confess with my mouth that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, and believe in my heart that he was raised from the dead, I will be saved. (Romans 10:9; Acts 4:12) Saved from being some leaf in the wind, saved from being my own God, saved from hell and eternal unpeaceful death. (Did I mention that I left the sugar-coating in the kitchen?)

I confess that Jesus Christ is God and that the reward he was able to earn for living a sinless life is now mY reward in exchange for the horrifying one that I have earned. I confess that God’s love for me extends even that far that he would go to such extreme extents for me. And, I believe that God is God, and able to do and has, indeed, willingly done all of these things.

The way it makes sense to me, (and if anyone has other interpretations, please let me know!)…The way it makes sense to me is that Jesus Christ is the lense through which God sees those that love him.

But, when we try to approach God through the backdoor or through some other direction, God still loves us to pieces, but that love alone does not change the fact that we approach him with our goodness, aNd with sin, aNd with our decision to come at him the way wE deem fit. (John 14:6) And, when we stand before Him, all our mess is out in the ugly open, with nothing to shield it. I’ve chosen hell, then. Chosen to be where God is absolutely not. Hell is an ugly word. But, sin is an unfathomably ugly thing.

That said, I still sin occassionally (only daily). Among other things which I will not name I can still be judgemental and choose to share what’s in my heart with less tact and compassion than that situation warrants. But, I am also learning patience, compassion and to look outward more and more. I’m learning the value of healthy relationships and their priority. I’m actually learning to take care of some things which I had previously left for others to do. And, I’m still learning…oy.

Though a sinner, I am also a daughter of God who wants what He wants. And, I know that that other stuff is not what he wants. I know that ‘cuz he’s inspired a Bible which he purposely put here showing the good, bad, ugly and beautiful, stories that show his character…by comparing his character to what comes naturally to us.

I can’t change on my own, but once I truly decided to take Him up on his offer God poured His Spirit into me to help me along. That must sound very mystical and fantastic given the logic and knowledge gained from thousands of years of human experience… experience yielding knowledge that is consistently amended, adjusted, re-worded, reconsidered and refuted.

God is love (1 John 4:16). He’s held that title for–oh my gosh, like, forever. And, “love” is the only way I can describe God’s Holy Spirit. Somehow, God managed to share some of His Holy Spirit with me, sharing pure, undefiled love (Romans 5:5). That love compels me to love him back.

It compels me to let him lead me into the life and the lessons that he knows is best for me as an individual; (even though it may not necessarily be what is expected for me, nor compare to others’ experiences.) That love can compel us beyond our own self-consciousness, if we let it.

That love can change our world, if we let it.. If we allow ourselves the freedom to seek out who he created us to be.

Then our experiences, our hurts, our joys, our successes, our struggles, and the sin that we sincerely repent of can actually be used to change this world, or at least SOMEbody’s world for the better.

Why would I want to do that? Cuz God loves you, silly!! And, how can I honestly claim to love God, because he loves me…and then not have compassion for the love of his life…you.

The key to that is love, which is what I, too, am still being taught. Oy! oh! Oy! But, what it comes down to is that God knows the plans he has for each one of us, plans for good and not for harm. But plans for future and, for a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

=)

I’m going off of what I’ve learned from the Bible that has been reinforced in my own life. These are all the Bible verses I’m working off of: (1 John 1:5;1 Samuel 1:2, Romans 3:12; Luke 22:70, John 10:30, John 8:58, Exodus 3:14, John 8:11, Matthew 5:39-41, John 11:33-43, John 8:48-52;Romans 10:9, Acts 4:12; John 14:6; 1 John 4:16; Romans 5:5; Jeremiah 29:11)

So, I felt compelled to write this, and although it’s not the standard kind of thing for me (I’m more of a journalistic, “deep thoughts by Jack Handy” kind of writer), I’m very glad I did do it. I don’t have all the answers, so if someone has questions, just know that I’m more than happy to gain clarification for myself by asking and researching questions I have absolutely no real clue about.

God bless ya’ll!

Q.

I haven’t talked to my father in, oh, five years, at least? And, I had no intention of starting. Unfortunately, my ultimate FATHER had different plans.

I won’t go into why we stopped communicating, I will say that it was an emotional dam that had built up over years, only to be broken by a straw of considerable size placed on a very weak camel’s back. And, I was just through. That’s all, folks.

Since I’ve returned home the Lord through his Holy Spirit has addressed a few of my schewed perspectives. But, the last thing I wanted to address were those particular emotions associated with the (unfortunately all-too-common) disfunctional relationshionship my dad and I share/d…and all that my hurt feelings wrought on me and on others; that emotional mess was my “Goliath.” And I was just fine sweeping that giant under the rug.

But, I called him a couple days ago…yup.

At first, I dialed and was thrilled to get the voicemail…of a stranger? I’d had to ask a family member for his number and had apparently entered the wrong number into my phone!

It took another half hour, at least, to finally press “send” and let the call go through to the correct group of digits.

What got me to that point is not that I’m so obedient. If that was the case, I would have done this when God had prompted me four-six weeks ago.

But, yes, part of my motivation was knowing that I can’t knowingly be partially obedient to God and expect him to be able to lead me to the most fruitful life that he’s planned for me. This is something I am now -finally- learning. His plan is better than mine, but I’m also clueless in regards to what it takes to bring it to life. Me trying to find my own way around would be like trying to fly a plane for the first time and only following 99% of what the instructor is telling me. Then I wonder why we ended up at a whole other airport.

Anywho, regarding the title of this little entry, the main thing that finally compelled me forward is the fact that forgiveness can be a supernatural, instantanous thing; bbbuuuut it can also be a process. The Bible compels us that forgiveness most definitely shOuLd be accomplished, but it doesn’t dictate hOw it must be accomplished… That revelation was such a relief for me.

For me, it makes sense…it’s been a process allowing God to make inward changes (and still is…oy!) It’s been a process learning how to recognize and play my part in the development of a relationship that’s loving, considerate, genuine and is committed to promoting the best interests of both parties. It’s been a process just learning some new skills. I’m not experiencing that supernatural forgiveness, but that’s okay. I don’t have to lie or pretend because that seems more honorable, somehow; to do so would actually be unfair and would set us up for failure. But God is meeting me where I’m at.

But seeing this newly developing relationship honestly allows me to adjust to the truth of what I’m getting into. At least then I can more sincerely commit to seeing this through. And, I recognize that this does require a serious commitment.

So, I’m beginning tHIs process. I started it with the intention to see it through, trusting that God can and will be there to guide my steps, my words, my actions if I rely on him, wholly.

Just like budging a boulder out of its place, starting was the hardest part, you know? Following that, we had some momentum and ended up with a good convo, my dad and I.

For dad’s part, he was really open and respected where I was coming from; but to be fair, that’s a characteristic that’s been consistent for him concerning our talks. Good stuff.

Everything’s not resolved, but there is a sense of a burden lifting…and I know now to expect to fight and stand (and grit my teeth) through challenges posed by both of us along this journey. But, I also expect some unexpected highs benefiting us both. And, actually, that one conversation yielded one very needed and timely tidbit re: my business…so….what do you know?

So, yeah. I felt led to begin making regular weekly calls to him. I’m sure we will meet up at some point, too. But, for now, I’m at the calling stage. That’s where I’m at. But, at least it’s a start.

Keep me in your prayers if you remember, pls.

Q.

And, you know, it made me realize that i need to be thankful for some things. Not only the awesomness of nature, the unbelieveable goodness of some people, the honor found in those who always seem to know what is right…and do it (!) even when it seems easier to do what’s wrong. But, one thing in particular I can be thankful for, personally, is my mom, and the big heart that I got from her.

Because of her, I have learned how to be willing to help others that come to me in need (in what way that I am able, that is); whether they have done or will do anything for me or not. I’m not nearly as good about thinking of others as she is, but considering other factors in my life, I know for a fact that God placed me under her care so that I could gain the level of compassion and selflessness I have today.

I know that for me, when I’m being true with myself, I realize that my resentment results in negative things I say, or don’t say, do or don’t do. And, when I’m being honest with myself, I realize that alot of time that resentment is a result of my own insecurities being brushed or needled by somoeone whose insecurities are being brushed or needled, too.

And, sometimes thinking on what is good and pure outside of myself (nature, good people, noble acts, etc.) can snap me out of my own hurtful funky-ness. But, I know, too, that when I feel secure about who God has made me to be on the inside, and who he is making me to be, there’s little that anyone can do to make me feel bad about myself, or allow me to treat or think of others badly or with condescension (sp?).

Man, that’s the place to be. For sure!

So, sure, there’s tons of ways I could improve, but I’m thankful for for what’s good and excellent about this little chica that God is rebuilding. I’m thankful for a loving heart that’s willing to give everyone a chance, not expecting a return on any favors, or expecting anyone to extend themselves beyond what they are capable…I do, however, expect to be treated with the same level of respect (…and maybe even compassion) that I offer.

That’s all gOOd stuff to start with. With the Lord’s help, I can continually return my focus on His building on those good qualities, rather than focus on things that only seem to tear me and others down.

God bless you!

Q.

First, let’s cover the list of what God cannot do.  Get comfortable:

1. God cannot be sinful.
“God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.” 1 John 1:5 
A good analogy is that of heat and cold.  The definition of cold is a) Marked by deficient heat; b) Being at a temperature that is less than what is required.  The feeling we label as “cold” is actually our sensing a lack of heat.  Just as sin is a manifestation of the lack of God’s presence.  Heat can’t be cold.  Light can’t be dark.  God can’t be sin.  But, He can allow sin to move in whatever way He plans: “The LORD works out everything for his own ends— even the wicked for a day of disaster.” Proverbs 16:4

That’s it!  Beyond that, it’s “game on!”  So, now that we know God can do all things except sin, we take the limits off of what He can do in our very own personal lives. 

I may live a relatively decent life; steady job, nice home, good friends and tolerable family.  But, what I want out of life is to live with few regrets.  I want to live!—not just survive.  I want to make a difference in people’s lives.  And, even if I really don’t want that, I would like to reach my greatest potential as a human being, to see the absolute best me come to life.

This is what God can do.  And, you don’t even have to wait until next lifetime to live the best time of your life.  No matter your socio-economic status, your star-power, your obstacles or preconceived notions about yourself (or that others have about you), God has a plan for the life you are living right now.  It’s a life filled with purpose, with hope.  A future.* He’s got gifts He’s given you that He wants to stir up and use properly; and He’s even got some talents in store for you that you’re not even aware of yet.

For instance, I found out a few months ago that I am a songwriter.  I have no musical background, but so far I have three pretty amazing compositions under my belt and another on its way.**  This isn’t me bragging on me, but on the all-knowing, all-powerful and ever-loving Lord, Jesus Christ.  I’m sharing only one example of a personal trait that this ex-administrative assistant probably would have never discovered.  It’s a pursuit that’s come through building a relationship with the God in heaven who knows me better than I know myself.

What God can do is more than we can orchestrate for ourselves.  His offer is more satisfying than comfort, money, power or influence; He offers an opportunity to find out who you were really made to be, and live the life for which you were designed.  But, as always, the choice is yours.

*“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11

** find samples at http://libraryofintelligentdesigninc.blogspot.com/

Putting the obvious aside, such as ethnicity and sex, we’ll focus on the things that we actually determine.  Hair is surprisingly important when it comes to affecting judgment of one’s outer appearance.  Long and shaggy indicates carelessness, an irresponsible and non-chalante attitude (despite the fact that this hairstyle takes forever to achieve).  This and other non-traditional approaches are considered “do’s” in the world of college, arts and creative pursuits.  It also works well in high school, unless you’re the principal.  Once Principal Shaggy trims and tames that stylish mop, the parents find him markedly more credible and capable.  Darker hair indicates soberness and sophistication, especially for females.  Women with “big” hair are assumed to wear “big” personalities, while sleeker styles indicate a more prudent nature.  And, if no style whatsoever is applied, it’s assumed that she’s creating beautiful music with the guy flaunting the shaggy do.

There are people who are savvy enough to use pre-judgments to their advantage.  Such as rappers who dress in preppie clothing—they create their own spotlight by using the striking incongruity between an educated, conservative, white-collar exterior and a seemingly unreserved, urban approach.  Colorful clothing indicates creativity or an equally vibrant personality.  It can also indicate flightiness and an unrealistic world-view, setting up the perfect opportunity for you to knock their socks off with your explanation of how Einstein’s theory of relativity affects our lives, today.

Miss Etiquette would be very disappointed with the horrible posture that most of us exhibit these days.  Which makes someone’s erect stance or sitting position stand out.  They seem taller, more confident.  Who wouldn’t follow this person’s lead versus the slouch?  On the other hand, which one would you rather approach for a day of fun?

It’s a matter of life, a matter of fact that physical attributes are markers people use to guess what’s beneath the surface; whether or not you fit all their assumptions, these decisions affect how you will be received.  The key to knowing what your appearance says to others is knowing your intent.  Though your core style will stay the same, your intent may change from scene to scene; from office, to gym, to café.  The smart move is to make an effort to use details that reflect your most applicable attributes.  But, don’t let who you are on the inside rely as heavily on such fickle opinions.  Most importantly, make sure that you groom an inner appearance that attracts the person in the mirror, and then determine how you want that presented.

Proverbs 13:7 One man pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth.

- quo elbert

Breath out, relax your shoulders and prepare to be creative with dressing your home.  Furnishing your house (or apartment) on a budget does not have to be stressful, but can actually provide the perfect reason to develop an interior design scheme that is very uniquely you.

First things first…say goodbye to matching!  You may not know this, but releasing yourself from the chains of matchdom is such a relief and a healthy challenge.  Learn what colors appeal to you, and do a little color-wheel research to discover what colors complement one another.  Some rules of thumb I’ve learned from experience: soft pastels accent earth tones very well.  Create an arresting scene: clash colors, sparingly; and couple elaborate textures with pieces sporting little to no texture. (I have a plush, deep red, faux fur throw that I liked to drape over my cream-colored chaise whose upholstery displays light embroidery.  I’ll tell you how I found those little gems, shortly.) 

Secondly, be honest with what you like.  For the longest time I avoided succumbing to stereotypical “girlie” styles.  But, you know what?  Flowery is alright with me, to a degree.  And, I like pastels, to a degree.  And, I like pink. Period.  So there!  Many more doors are opened to you when you allow yourself to test the boundaries of your likes and your dislikes.  Besides, not every new discovery has to be applied to your home; in my case, my wardrobe is pretty in pink, not my wall. 

Thirdly, the most important ingredient in furnishing a home on a budget is patience.  You don’t want to settle for just any old piece of furniture.  You want what’s right for your home.  This will mean waiting on sales.  Wading through estate/garage/yard sales.  Weighing the options given you via freebie sources.  Just remember, the home interior you create for yourself is one you’ll want to return to for many moons, so why rush to create a less than fulfilling space?

Here are a few ways to uncover that hidden treasure, that jewel, that furnishing waiting to be discovered by you!

Check out Craigslist.com.  This is a free classifieds website started as a way for one friend to connect with his other friends.  It’s grown to offer free info on jobs, personal ads, and every item under the sun available for sale and for free.  Many of the ads for furnishings even include pictures.

Drive around posh neighborhoods.  I found a pristine, country phone cabinet glistening under the summer sun as it sat discarded on the curb.  I knocked on the homeowner’s door to verify it was okay to take away.  They approved, explaining that it had a crack down the back of the table (barely noticeable!).  I drove away a very happy camper.

Sign up for local estate sale e-newsletters.  Though the Estate sales are hit-and-miss, (you’d be surprised what is dared called an “estate” sometimes) these venues can offer top-notch furniture that actually possesses distinct character.  And, you can often find them for hundreds cheaper than the standard offerings in today’s furniture store.  I once bought heavy, lined, cream drapes that, when hung, extended from ceiling to floor.  They cost me $25.  I got up on the ladder myself and quickly unhooked them from their old hanging posts.  It’s at estate sales that I also found the French Victorian Chaise lounge and plush, red throw referred to previously.  If you’re in California, get started by signing up with estatesaleshop.com, a company hosting sales throughout Los Angeles County.

Be vocal about what you like.  If you let a friend know how much you like this, that or the other you’ll stick out in their mind should this, that or the other become up for grabs.  I was giving away a lot of items before I moved to another location and remembered a friend who really liked one of the paintings on my wall.  That and one other piece of art now hang, comfy and cozy, in their new home.

Turn lemons into lemon-squares.  Maybe you know what you want, but it’s not in your budget.  Consider the essential characteristics of what you’re looking for and then look around your home or local store to see if something else will meet that need.  I wanted a long floor rug to distract from the ugly tile that ran the expanse of my long kitchen.  The knit table runner that I spotted did the job perfectly, fitting my color scheme and the floor of my narrow kitchen.  My comforter’s been in need of a duvet cover for quite sometime.  Instead of spending additional money, the thought finally came to me to use a couple old sheets.  I sewed them together leaving an opening at the top.  Not only do I have a duvet cover, but it’s dual colored in case I want a change of scene.

Decorating your house on a budget is an exercise of the right mind.  But, the end result is a home that is truly yours, one that expresses your heart and greets you and those who know you with its familiar warmth.